Little Changes Can Shock You

I find myself again cursing my inability to sleep... however, this time it is my own fault.

I finally kicked by stubborn self in the butt after my last post, and went to see the medics for my inability to sleep. They prescribed me Melatonin, a natural enzyme released by the brain that tells your body to shut down and sleep. For people that work nights and don't see the sunshine, natural body production of melatonin can be difficult. So, for us, a supplement can work wonders.

And it has. When I remember to take it.

Which brings me to today. I forgot to take it when I went to bed, because I was actually tired, and fell asleep without struggle. Until I had to wake up four hours later to go use the bathroom. Now, I cannot fall back asleep.

Part of that is my own anxiety... my job duties here in Afghanistan have changed slightly, and because of this, I need some new training. However, its training I've already had as a civilian that the Army doesn't recognize, and because of that, I wish I'd never had it. It makes it worse, because I know all to well the hell that is facing me today.

If you have never been shot with a TAZER, consider yourself lucky, and maintain whatever benign existence you have that has prevented you from being on the receiving end of one. Working civilian corrections, I've been TAZED, and its a miserable experience that translates into the longest five seconds of your life. I've been in some pretty painful circumstances over the years, but none of them compare to being TAZED. Its a completely different kind of pain -- one that nothing you can do prepares you for, and you just have to endure and ride it out. "It's only five seconds," will become a phrase that makes you want to instantly knock the speaker's teeth in. It is, no joke and no exaggeration, the longest five seconds you will ever have in your life.

I hate being TAZED. I would rather be hit with OC (Pepper) Spray on a sunburn in 100 degree weather than get hit with the TAZER. I would rather walk into a fire fight. Or a prison riot. Or the fiery depths of Hell itself.

But no. Today, I get to walk into a classroom in our chapel (which I find really ironic, by the way), sit through hours of tedious PowerPoint, and then get shot. I hate today, and it hasn't even started yet.

Someone asked me once what being TAZED felt like. There are no words that do it justice. It is a sharp, literally heart-stopping pain that you feel simultaneously in every single nerve of your body. You can't move. Personal control of any portion of your physical being is removed from you. All you can do is wait for it to be over, and resist the urge to knock out whomever shot you when it is.

I have two more hours I can sleep before I have to prepare for this ridiculousness. Wish me luck...

I Should Be Sleeping

That, my friends, is a phrase I use often -- especially of late.

In the newest corner of the world that I find myself, I say it nearly everyday, as every moment of free time is precious, and we stretch our conscious hours to ourselves as long as humanly possible. But lately, its not been activities and goings on around me that have kept me from dreamland, but instead the workings of my own overactive mind. I just simply cannot shut down and sleep.

Today, as the rain falls on the roof of my little Army pod, I should be lulling off nicely. After all, who doesn't find soothing calm in the sound of the rain? But instead I find myself thinking back to the places I've been, and the things I've done... in the rain. While the remembrances are entertaining, deep down, I just want to shut down, and nod off.

It has been months and months since I've written here... I suppose I should catch you all up. I'm doing the Army thing... currently deployed to a wonderful vacation-spot known as Afghanistan. I've been here a few months, and fallen into a rhythm of 12-hr days, and 6-day work-weeks. I mark time by my days off, which I cherish more than I can put into words. And I spend my days finding joy in the little comforts here, because otherwise, I would probably lose my mind.

I met a man... and he swept me off my feet last summer. I still find myself struggling to catch my balance, even now, months later from across the globe. Luckily for me, the man is slightly insane, and for reasons I've yet to really understand wants to marry me. We're engaged, and are planning to do the big ordeal sometime in 2013. If I can actually be better about writing here, I will keep you posted on those endeavors.

But, that of course doesn't mean that its all sunshine and rainbows here in paradise. Keeping our relationship intact from 7,000 miles away is a struggle we're still learning the finer points of managing. We have our fights, and our disagreements. But at the end of the day, he's still mine, and I'm still his, and above the chaos and confusion, there's still more love than I know what to do with. So, we're making it work. In a few months... well, 40-something days, to be specific... I'll get my two weeks of leave, and we'll be on a true vacation in Hawaii. That will put me at about six months into all this Army madness, and I will be very excited for sun, surf, flip-flops, and enjoying the more feminine side of myself that I am forced to hide beneath the camouflage and combat boots. And two uninterrupted weeks of time with Chris... yes, I plan to make the most of every blessed instant.

But that doesn't help me now, as the minutes tick away, and the rain falls, and I'm still wide awake. Sleeping during the day (yes, I work night-shift) was something that I thought I'd mastered. But as of late, it has proven more difficult, and I've found that being exhausted is just a normal state of being for me.

Even my PT Test that I took in the rain at 0700 this morning didn't wear me out like I'd hoped. My body is tired, certainly, but my mind still will not rest. It's infuriating.

Eventually, I'll nod off. I'm confident of that at least. But not without wasting too many precious hours that I could have been asleep...