Restless

It's funny how a twin-sized bunk that I've never shared with anyone can feel so huge and empty now that I've suffered a loss.

Sleeping is proving to be a problem. Last night, after I got out of work in the wee hours of the morning, it took a double-dose of melatonin to get me to drift off, and even then my sleep was fitful and restless. I dreamed... and while most of the content of them is gone, the emotions the dreams left behind roll inside me. I can't seem to quell the storm.

I know this is normal. I know that trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, and difficulty concentrating are perfectly normal under the circumstances. But it still makes me feel like I've lost my mind. I hate it.

I've been trying to channel some of my restless energy into finding alternate locations to road trip to while home on leave. Hawaii isn't happening. Chris booked the hotel, and though we've lost the money for that, I can't go there alone after we planned it together. It would be more painful than I deserve. Plus, I need to go to PA to collect my things from his house. There isn't a lot there -- the majority of my material life is piled in boxes in my storage unit. But there are some things -- the refuse of a broken joint living space. And my truck is there. My precious Betty, that I feel the need to get behind the wheel of. I think the symbolism of that I need more than anything else right now, because I feel so out of control of my own life that I'm struggling to function.

I have no idea where I'm going to stay. I have no idea where I'm going to go. I need to put my life solidly back on my terms, and I have no idea where to start.

But, the end as always is just another beginning...