We're Like Fire and Gasoline

I love him. But, as so often happens, love can't always conquer all.

I am not going to into details as to what happened to bring about the demise of my relationship with Chris. From an outsider looking in, it will appear to have happened shockingly fast. But deep down, I know it was a long time coming.

There are truths about myself, and about our relationship that I didn't want to face -- events, opinions, and circumstances that I blamed on my deployment and bad timing. They were all things that I was totally convinced I could make up for, things that I was certain would be overcome and compromised on. Ah, the hope of the heart blinded by love...

Lyrics to a song keep floating through my head:

Baby when we're good you know we're great,

But there's too much bad for us to think

That there's anything worth trying to save...

I wish I could put into words how I feel right now. Naive? Disillusioned? Let down? Utterly crushed? None of what I come up with does justice to what this is like. But writing... it helps sometimes. So, here I am, at the keyboard, on yet another sleepless "night" in Afghanistan.

We sat in the cab of his truck, snuggled up against one another, as tears ran down my face. I was leaving for the unknown of deployment, and it finally really hit me that I could lose him -- lose everything. The fear of that shook me to my core -- and for a woman not easily shaken, the fear of picking up the broken pieces of myself was the only thing more terrifying.

"I'm so worried you are gonna get tired of me -- tired of us. That you'll find someone else while you're over there and forget about me." The lights from the dash illuminated his face as he spoke, highlighting the frown lines of concern.

I sat up, and wiped my tears away. We couldn't both be scared. I put my hand on his cheek and turned his face toward me. "Chris, there are only three things that could ever make me leave you -- that could ever make me walk away from us. Cheating. Lying. And if you are ever stupid enough to hit me." I was quiet while I let that sink in. "Stay inside those lines, and you've got nothing to worry about. You're all I'm ever gonna need."

That was October of last year, and I meant every word of what I said. However, life isn't always so cut and dry. He never hit me. He never cheated. And the lying... well, that's a matter of perspective and opinion, I suppose. I realize, looking back, that there were some other things I should have put on that list. Something about trust, and selflessness would have been good. And acceptance of my friends. The willingness to let me keep some of my independence. But, again, I was blinded by my love, and really thought those three things were all that could get me to leave. I was wrong. And I suppose for that I owe him an apology, because even though my intentions were good, my execution was lacking. The best laid plans of mice and men...

In the Army, news travels fast. It's like high school, only with real world drama. The support from my comrades has been overwhelming, even if there were several "I-told-you-so's" tossed in. My mother, as has happened so many times in my life was the exact voice of understanding and support that I needed today. And my dear friends from home have, as always, stepped in without being asked -- despite having been slighted in recent months. That alone made a very distinct point resonate loud and clear with me. Deep down, I know I've done the right thing. It hurts like hell, but the best lessons in life often do, I've learned.

He and I are like fire and gasoline -- when mixed will burn like the fires of hell itself, and when it has exhausted itself will leave black charred remains where the tinder used to be. Luckily, we both got out before it totally consumed us.

Nothing to do now but sweep up the ashes, try to heal the burns, and learn to live with the scars.